I remember like it was yesterday, when the initial idea for this song came to me. I wasn’t consciously thinking of any lyrics, a concept or sentiment…It was about 10am in the morning and I was about to walk the dog. The dog was pestering me to go out, but something was pulling me towards my phone to record the song.
I think it was the chorus that popped into my head first and when it did I remember looking up to the ceiling as if I was looking for the rest of the song. Soon after I played chords to match the melody, the most common chord sequence in pop music, but I hammered my index finger on the b string and the riff was born.
The sequence is A minor, C major and G major, going to F major briefly in the pre-chorus. It couldn’t be simpler, I liked the form and I remember the lyrics came to me in one go with barely any rewriting. I wrote the song on a 1970’s Eko C29 335 guitar.
For those of you who don’t play guitar, an Eko C29 335 is a semi-hollow body guitar and very warm sounding humbucker pick ups. Think B.B King, what an emotional guitar player he was, he used a Gibson 335, he even called his guitar Lucille.
The pick ups added to the emotion of the song. When Sharon added the violin part, I remember feeling quite emotional. I’ve played this song live to people and a couple of them have said it made them cry. It’s made me cry a few times, I can’t quite believe I wrote it, it definitely felt like I channelled it from somewhere else. It’s one of the songs I’m most proud of, probably because for years I was letting the darkness hold me in, living in fear with depression and anxiety, anxiety made by me.
One thing I realised when I suffered with anxiety, was what I was literally doing. I assumed I knew what other people were thinking. There are few certainties in this world, but one of them is that it is impossible to know what another person is thinking. When I was feeling judged, I was basically saying to myself “I can do something that no other human being has ever been able to do…I know what that person thinks of me, purely based on their body language and facial expression”.
Not only can we not tell what another person is thinking, we almost always forget that in reality no one really cares and sometimes that’s a beautiful thing. I once heard that 98% of the human brain is designed for survival and self preservation. If someone’s using the 2% left they have to do everything else in their own personal universe, you should be flattered if they’re thinking of you.
Another thing is this, if you’ve ever thought people are thinking negative things about you, think about this: How often, or how many times a day do you actually think about the people you don’t like? And for how long? I don’t know about you, but I almost never think about people I don’t like. Now think about the people you do like. Which are you more likely to think about. Chances are if someone is thinking about you, it’s probably because they do like you. Facial expression and body language are no indication to conclusively tell that you actually know what they’re thinking.
That was the crux of my darkness and striving for things that I thought would make me happy. I believe that we are our own worst critic and our own biggest enemy. Think about it, we know every fear we have, everything we worry about and we are guess machines. Our brains couldn’t cope unless at times we did some things on autopilot. So sometimes our assumptions are our autopilot giving us the wrong signals. We guess what people are thinking, we often think: “what will happen if…” stopping us from living our true dream. My dream was to write and share music, that people can relate to and enjoy listening to, who want to connect with others who do to.
The next time you feel judged remember this blog post. You’re amazing and probably without you realising it, you might be thinking for people..don’t..one brain is enough to look after. Give yourself a break, you deserve it!
Take care of yourselves and ‘Don’t Let the Darkness Hold You In’.
Thanks for your support, it means a lot :)